Let's Talk

This post has been festering in my heart for many, many years now. And I am finally putting my heart on paper to show to the world that my fears are likely felt by many others, and they need to feel comfort. And young children, especially girls, will face these challenges.

I'm tired of women. I'm tired of men. I'm tired of Republicans. I'm tired of Liberals. It's all becoming too extreme! The politics of the issues are becoming more important than the issues themselves. I spent a lot of time Atheist, independent, and frankly, ignorant of most political issues. I didn't claim one side or the other. I never had much to say. I was confused, like most teenage girls are.

Have you noticed that rape and sexual harassment have become a lot about empowering women (or the "victim")? I can't help but feel like society is missing out on one very important aspect of the issue: how are children being raised? I often feel physically ill when I hear the media talking about such-and-such case of abuse or rape and how men (definitely not always the case, but for this particular post I will use men) are always responsible. Before I go any further and you start to judge those words, let me say that rape and abuse is NEVER the "victim's" fault. That being said, I can't help but think there is some lack of education for young children. I found out about most of the sexual things from a friend right before 7th grade and I was way behind and out of the loop. I'm in no way blaming my parents, but I think it's becoming obvious that, whether we like it or not, these issues.need to be addressed from a very early age. At home and at school. Resources need to be available at that young age. It's (more than) slightly sickening to think 8-year-olds need to have sex education but it's true. This brings me to my next point: sex is far too accepted in society. Try to find a popular tv show these days that doesn't have people having sex, almost always before marriage, and often in high school.

When you are in high school you feel mature. Some people are already having sexual relations in middle school and by senior year you are an outcast if you haven't done "it." If you feel like you need to say "it" instead of sex, you probably aren't ready to take a giant step in life. Why has virginity become such a faux-pas to young teens? I have my personal beliefs, but I'm not so obtuse to think every person will value the thought of waiting until marriage to have sex. However, that doesn't mean because you feel like you are in love after three months you need to jump into bed with the guy. Unfortunately, any teens are under a tremendous amount of pressure and watching any tv show or movie these days relays the idea that sex is a nonchalant act that is fun! Now, I'm trying to put myself in the mindset of my sixteen-year-old self, and I probably would have thought, well if I'm in a committed relationship then why not? Why not!? What kind of response is that? Teenagers can hear in health class (the one trimester it is required) that you could get an STD or get pregnant, but that doesn't really happen... Well, yes it does. So how do we get that message through those thick skulls?

1. Stop making sex such a common thing to see in reality tv. It doesn't have to be. Yes, there are always kids having sex in high school.but that doesn't mean everyone is and so everyone should.
2. Teach your sons and daughters the consequences from an early age. By the time a kid goes to high school very little new knowledge will get in that brain, and even less will stick. You don't need to get gruesome about it, but teach them that things happen, whether we mean for them to or not, so be safe and think ahead.
3. Talk with kids... A lot! Ask kids questions from early on and help them feel comfortable around you. Maybe, just maybe, then they will be able to come to you for something really important throughout those highly awkward years. So often it seems that sexual issues are so weird to talk about but they don't have to be. Talk, talk, talk.
4. Teach your kid to value his or herself. Regardless of your personal sexual beliefs, kids should value their bodies and be proud of who they are. This doesn't mean you need to compliment every little thing about them, or to oppress them from being free and independent, but just teach the privilege it is to have a body and brain!
5. Equally as important as number four, value other people and their bodies. The age old rule, treat others how you care to be treated. No one is perfect; we don't always get along with everyone; some people believe very different things; but everyone comes from a unique situation and we should respect them.
6. Determine your kid's way of communicating and learn to live, love, and talk with him or her in that way.

Now, I was fortunate enough to grow up in a nice town with good schools and great friends, and I know all people aren't so lucky. However, that doesn't change the face that the ignorance level at my school was worse than any other. I was naive. Love sounds so much like a fairy tale and a girl will do almost anything for a guy she loves. Unfortunately the mindset of many guys is not so... Romantic. This is where I think it is so important for girls to know they can and should stand up for themselves. Guys need to learn restraint, although I understand raging hormones don't make that an easy task. Finally, the resources need to be readily available to students. I know kids don't like going in to talk with a counselor, however, with awesome new technology, what about anonymous texts, emails, or calls for questions or problems? My biggest issue in high school was not finding a teacher or counselor at school I could trust or who I felt like wanted or could help. My school and town was truly awesome, but with that said, maintaining that awesome status felt more important than confronting issues. My brother is a teacher and I know he makes himself available to kids who need to talk, so I know there are good teachers out there, but make sure your kids/ students know it is safe for you to come talk with them.

A school, personal,or societal image is never more important than your self value or problems.

I am a woman. I am proud of that. I don't have a problem with women who choose to walk around naked because it is how they feel comfortable. But we need to stop turning everything into an empowering women situation, and rather turn things into a respect yourself and those around you situation. I am a feminist in that I believe in equality for men and women, but I also think that being a feminist means taking ownership for myself and my actions. In absolutely no situation is it okay for one person to harass or abuse another person, regardless of what they are wearing, but be a smart person and respect yourself. Set your standards higher for you and for others. Women- raise your standards of yourself. Your body is something to be dang proud of. However, that does not mean you have to flaunt every bodacious curve and fleshy skin off to the entire world. Now I'm not saying you have to start wearing long-sleeved turtle necks and footy-pants. I'll even venture to say, show off what you are proud of. You can wear something sexy without your underwear showing. What's happening, in my opinion, is that physical, shallow imperfections are so heavily judged (mostly by women in my experience, including ourselves) that we feel we need to show it all off. Don't dress to get attention, then throw a fit when people give it to you. Don't get blackout drunk at a party- it is not safe! Don't wear a bra and undies with your pumps and get drunk just for the attention. You are not asking for good attention... Even if nothing happens! Once again, not the fault of a victim, ever. Unless you feel like your best self in that outfit, do it in a safe place with people you trust and not with strangers, the fact if the matter is, it is not your fault, but sexual abusers do not care about that. They don't think, aww poor girl. Unfortunately, they see prey. It's sick, twisted, and the entire attitude needs to change, but those people are out there- more commonly than you think- and they will take advantage of any situation.
Men- raise your standards of yourselves and of the women you meet. I know what it is you want but be patient. Be a respectable guy.

People are ashamed of having or looking at physical scars of cutting, but people are more ashamed of the scars to their hearts and souls. In high school, not many stop to think that maybe someone is creating physical scars to try to yell to the world that their emotional scars are far, far worse.

Look out for yourself and for those around you. Love yourself enough to respect yourself, and of you are having trouble doing that then find someone to talk with. You are of worth, no matter how low you feel. There is so much to life to enjoy. You deserve to partake in that joy.

Change society. Raise smart kids. If you don't have kids, odds are you, at least in some way, have an impact on kids around you. Create a society that allows kids to communicate and feel comfortable. Stop the pressures. Stop a society so engulfed in sex that no one seems to be realizing the tremendous impact it is having on the youth. Women have come so far and that is something to be proud of, but don't stop now. It's all about helping men and women to love and respect each other!

You know, if school has taught me anything it has taught me to evaluate me thinking. I took this class on C.S. Lewis. That alone is awesome (for me). But even better, my teacher helped me learn how I think and why.

Think about it. Many kids, when they are younger, believe in nearly everything. Imaginations are endless and there is no end to the hopes and dreams. Then we are told that Santa does not exist. Traveling the world costs money. Becoming a fireman takes training.

Not only was I against religion, but I did not believe in God. I thought maybe there was something more but that was still the kid in me dreaming of what's beyond.

Now I believe in God, and a whole lot more. How did this change? Not only did my beliefs change but the way I think changed too. Why?

Sometimes I look back at old pictures or journals and I think how wide open the world was to me and how little I knew about everything. I felt like my parents, friends, and other family were so proud of me for having giant aspirations. I was proud of me. Now I am more proud than I could have imagined, but it's all so different than I had planned.

All I remember thinking is that I wanted to be single and have fun my first summer away from home, on my own, with my own job. I had great friends. I was spending money I didn't have and loving it (and later regretting it). I loved my life. And then I met this boy.

I remember flirting with him at work but it was nothing serious. We hung out once and I swore I was already in love. I texted my two BEST friends asking if they believed in love at first sight. I thought maybe I was getting confused with previous feelings or maybe just infatuation. But there was something about him. Something magical.

I remember talking to Mormon Missionaries and one asked me, "If you find out for yourself if this religion is true, will you get baptized?" I scoffingly reply, "Ha, sure, if it's true, why the heck not?"

I had to keep things separate; he could not interfere with my learning; I would not be swayed by him. So he stayed out of it. Unfortunately I read that dang book that they gave me. I read it over and over and over again. Once I even started reading out loud and I got so angry. I started talking so loudly to no one. I was so mad that I thought it was true. Mormons are crazy! There is so much to learn and I hated that I felt like God was listening. God. What is God? And how could he possibly be real.

I think people think, no, I know people think Mormons, Christians, whatever it may be, are brainwashed, because I used to think it. You grow up with a belief and being told something is true, then you believe it. That is, unless you ask questions. I created a storm for those missionaries. I asked hundreds of questions. I asked people who weren't Mormon. I asked others who were. I pulled at everything I could to prove it wrong. But what do you do when you feel like something is right? My parents always taught me to follow my heart and I did. But this time, for the first time, it wasn't easy.

I felt like my life turned upside down and I kept making things worse. I wasn't financially responsible. I got caught up in everything and out of fear of what others would think of my new-found belief, I ran away from it all. That was the worst thing I could do. I let everyone I cared about down.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and redo things, but I can't. Sometimes I wish I could go back to saying there is no God and that I do not believe any of this. But I do. I can't change it. I keep asking questions. And I keep getting answers. That doesn't mean I know everything and as a matter of fact I don't know a whole lot in the scheme of things. But I do know that if I don't keep asking questions of my faith, of science, and of myself then I can't be the best person I want to be.

I may not be able to change my past. But I am responsible for my future. I am responsible for today. I love my husband and he loves me. We love our beautiful daughter. We know that we want the best for her, but ultimately she needs to find it for herself. I know that sometimes we all want to re-live the "glory days" but when I really think of having the option, I wouldn't trade this life for the entire universe.

I am proud of who I am. I took an extremely bumpy road but I made mistakes that I hope I am learning from. I am trying to forgive everything I have felt hurt by because I know that I am in desperate need of forgiveness by others. My life is not what I had imagined four years ago. But I am so grateful for the people in my life now.

I am proud to have my family and friends stand for what they believe in. I have such a great diverse mix of things to make me who I am and I am proud of being a hippie, athletic, strong, smart woman. I don't mean to sound arrogant, merely proud of the woman, and person, that I am, even with the mistakes I have made.

A Little Thinking

Preface:
  I am taking a class on C.S. Lewis. Not only is he a fascinating person, but his thoughts and writings cause me to think much more about myself and my beliefs. My teacher for the class urges us to create insights to further our knowledge and to be honest with ourselves. One of the many mottoes for the class is: Be true to yourself and be true to the class. Another being: Words do not convey meaning; they call them forth (David Ward). Anyhow, these insights are designed to go through the following process: determine what you know (or believe); figure out what you used to know; determine the change that occurred to cause this change in belief; learn what you are still trying to understand, know, or believe.


So here is my most recent insight. I'm working on it to make it an official paper (or short story) by combining it with other insights. Hopefully it makes sense and gives an idea of what I believe and where I stand with it all.

“You can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant [of] what the thing is.” –C.S. Lewis

                All this time I have been wondering why it is that (I at least feel) I am incapable of believing in Christ. It started with the idea that if I cannot see it, then it cannot be real. But, as it was pointed out to me, I believe that I can breathe, but I cannot see air. And so, that theory was shot. From there I moved to a more sophisticated (in my thinking) idea that logically, Christ and God cannot exist. Virgin Mary was a virgin, and therefore it is impossible for her to have a child, and if she did give birth to Christ, she must have been lying and therefore it is all a hoax. God cannot be real because He is not a real being and there is no such thing as angels or spirits so obviously a floating, spiritual entity out in space certainly could not exist. But, as I have come to learn, God was a person who fulfilled His destiny to become what He is. He does have a body that is perfected and He can live in a place out there, because certainly there are other worlds and beings out there. If that is true, then God could have created the Earth and all of the properties therein, and so He would be the only one who could defy such laws and properties; hence, Christ could be born of Virgin Mary.

                I can now move on from this idea that it is impossible, to it being not only possible (however unlikely it may seem) but definite. Now, if Christ was born and God does exist, (although, admittedly I still struggle with this concept) do I believe in them? I do not mean believe in the sense that I can say, “I believe in God and His Son.” I mean do I truly believe in them? In my heart, do I believe that God is real and Christ, His Son, atoned for me? Then, the light switch is flipped up, and Lewis’s words resonate in my mind: “You can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant [of] what the thing is.” How can I possibly expect to believe in something that I simply do not know? I do not have a relationship with Christ, or God for that matter. I want to. But all this time I have neglected the most important thing which is a relationship with them. In an odd way, I believe that Satan has used the otherwise good things of the church to distract me from gaining knowledge of Him who has saved me. I have been focused on serving others and reading scriptures just to be doing the right thing, not to be growing closer to Him! I may have been doing the right things, but not for the right reasons. While that may have been a good starting block, I am now nearly three years into my conversion and still lacking that all-important relationship.

                Once I became aware of this imperative understanding, I was able to recognize the steps necessary to make a change. I have started to learn about Christ, His ministry and His teachings while making it personal. I am listening to the New Testament on CD in the car, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, consistently saying my personal prayers in the morning and family prayers at night, studying the scriptures with purpose each day, and all the while sincerely trying to know and understand Christ so that I might gain that relationship with I so desperately yearn for so I can believe in Him. It seems rather silly now, to think that I thought I could believe in Him without knowing who He was and what He stood for. By studying His life I have come to learn that He is a person; a child of God, in the same sense that I am as well as in the literal sense. Bear in mind, this has not been an easy process. Similar to Lewis’s conversion, I find myself still pushing Christ away because I do not want Him to interfere. There are certain worldly pleasures I enjoy, and I know they need to change, but I do not want to let them go yet. For what reason I cannot say. Perhaps because I know that with more knowledge comes more responsibility. I have said before that I know that I can never go away from the church because, despite any doubts or unsurities that remain, I know that He is real and this is the true church. I may not have all of the answers as to why, but I know that is the truth and I am (hopefully) going to understand more as I become more obedient. However, I know that with obedience to Him, comes greater light and knowledge and more responsibility on me as a saint in this dispensation. Another divot in the road to Him is the painful idea of repentance and the atonement. While I am thankful for the opportunity, I know that as I learn more of Him I will know more of the pain that He goes through because of me. Each mistake I make add to the pain He endured. Not only am I responsible for the pain I cause myself and my friends and family, but also for the pain He went through during that awful and amazing time. Owning up to that is difficult and painful and quite honestly I do not want to face it quite yet, regardless of the fact that I know it is inevitable. So the statement remains true, that I cannot believe in something that I remain ignorant of, but perhaps it is the ignorance that is so comforting and hard to pull myself out of.

                I think the next step is going from believing in God and Christ to making that my inherent nature. I do not only believe in air to breathe, I just breathe. Now, I need to have God and Christ be my air.

Eternal Families

Wow. I know there is so much for me to catch up on but today I just want to write about my family.

I am beyond overwhelmed with emotion due to the recent events in our country and world. I understand that there have been deaths, especially murders, throughout history and it really should not impact me this much to hear of killings. Or should it?

I feel sorry for the people in this life that do not feel emotion. Those who are so cold and immune to the highly contagious feeling that is love. I realize that some people are unfortunately without the ability to love and feel the way that I take advantage of everyday. But it pains me to know that there are people who have felt that love and have been hardened to it. I hope that for their sake, the people around them who love them and know them, and even those who don't, will reach out to them. "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." While the contributor of this quote may be ambiguous, the words are not.

Often times I notice myself avoiding people who frighten or intimidate me. No, not scary people, but those who put me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes those people are the closest ones to me, even in my family. It can be easy to isolate myself emotionally when I am isolated physically (Rexburg, Idaho... it may not be an island in the middle of the ocean, but it certainly is out here on its own). I know that I am capable of being an incredible friend, daughter, sister, and mom. Why is it so hard to consistently be one?

After the shooting in the Colorado theater, the Clackamas Mall, and now the shooting at the elementary school I feel as though I've had a change in heart. I've done some really stupid things in my life. I've hurt almost everyone that I most care about. I've lost friends and family (not necessarily by death but by fallings out) whom I care about dearly. I desperately want to become a better person. But I know that it is one thing to say it and an entirely other thing to do it.

Becoming a Latter-day Saint makes me feel like that better person. I know that in the relationships that I have gained since then I have been a better friend and person in this world. I fear, however, that I have lost track of those in the past. I hurt a LOT of them during that summer and as a consequence ruined several friendships. On the other hand, I have gained incredible knowledge for myself and for my family. I know that my family can be together forever. I know that each and every family can be together forever. To those families who have lost love ones, I know that you will see them again. I love each member of my crazy family and know that for me to go where I want in life and after this life I need to be forgiving. It may be selfish, but for me to be forgiven I need to forgive others. It is more healing to me than it is to them.

My life may not be going as I had imagined it ten years ago (Although back then, I was playing MASH to determine my fate ;)). The great thing about that, though, is that I am happier than I could ever have imagined. I have an incredible husband who loves and takes care of me. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I am surrounded by loving people and friends. I have a mom and dad who love me despite all of my mistakes. I have been taken in by my husband's family and loved and accepted.

I want to be the best person I can be. It hurts that it takes painful events like the ones that have happened this year to kick my butt into gear, but here I go.

I hope with all of my heart that my friends and family know that I have changed, but I still love them. I am still Amanda (AJ). I love soccer. I adore food. I still could watch Gilmore Girls a thousand times and not be sick of it. I have a different perspective on life, but I haven't forgotten about those I've hurt. I can't change those things but I can only hope to be a better person. I hope I can be forgiven for the things that I have done.

I pray that we might all work a little harder to help others around us a little more. One simple deed a day can make all the difference in someone's life.

Merry Christmas!

Well today is both Daniel's birthday (and my brother's birthday) and Father's Day! Last night we had some friends over to celebrate and eat lots of junk! This morning we had hashbrowns, eggs, english muffins, and bacon with a glass of orange juice and it was sure delicious! Of course, Daniel is one of the most difficult people to shop for because the only things he wants are either movies or more expensive things that he is picky about (and I certainly don't want to screw up!) so I just got him movies which seems terribly lame.

Being that it is Father's Day and, well, he is a soon(ish)-to-be-dad, I decided to get him a couple of cute little things.

YES! We are expecting a sweet little girl at the very end of October/ beginning of November and we couldn't be more excited. Daniel really wanted a little girl and he is more than thrilled (and seemingly getting a little impatient). We have names in mind, but nothing is decided, and we probably will not share the final decision is until the little one is born! I am now 20 weeks (halfway) through this pregnancy. It has been hard to keep quiet, but considering previous experience, we decided that it was best. I started to feel her move around 16-17 weeks and am now constantly feeling her. We went to our anatomy scan (where they make sure everything is okay and generally when parents find out the gender) and while she was quiet at first, a few pokes and prods and she was moving around like crazy. I am sure she will be a hyper daddy's girl, and most certainly a little princess. These are two onesies that I got for Father's Day, and the latest ultrasound picture:

"My Daddy's Wrapped 'round my little finger!"

"It's not easy being a Princess!"

My belly has begun to pop out, but it still mostly looks like I've just gained quite a few pounds (and I've only gained 5!) but I am still happy about it.

School has been great but really difficult. I've planned out the rest of my schooling so that I will still graduate with a bachelor's in English. The weather has been so nice that it is difficult to focus, but I still love the learning.

Bill Cosby came to BYU-I a week ago Friday and Dan and I went to watch! We had a great time and it was fun to do something so "big" in Rexburg.

At the Cosby Show!

The Man Himself!

Well, that is basically all of the new information for this post. We are planning our trip to the Grand Canyon after school gets out, and then on up to Oregon for the remainder of August, which should be really great :)

It's Spring!

It is finally spring! It has been so nice outside and I was finally able to plant my garden!
I've got lettuce, cucumber, tomato, zucchini, strawberries, onions, and chili peppers.

My garden!

My sister-in-law and her two kids came to visit Idaho on my birthday, along with Dan's mom and I was able to see all of them. It was so much fun and we had some reeeaaally yummy treats.

I have been really into fruity treats (num-nums as I used to call them):

 Sherbet Ice Cream

Apple Cobbler with Oatmeal Streusel (missing some bites) 

 Strawberry Pizza (One my grandma used to make for me)

Dan is playing soccer this semester and is playing at goalkeeper (I think our kids are doomed to that position)! He had a great game and made a few awesome saves, although I don't know how my parents avoided pulling their hairs out while watching... It's so stressful!

 Drinking Some Water

For cinco de mayo we had some people over for a party! It was a lot of fun and we had individual nachos, taquitos, margaritas, chips and salsa and queso, etc. It was delicious!

As usual, I bought way too much ice and margarita mix and have been making strawberry margaritas very often and they are so tasty!

Dan and I went to go see Avengers (finally) the other night and it was so good! I was amazed and absolutely loved it.

Not too much else going on. Only 2 months until the end of the semester, and then Dan and I are taking a trip to Washington D.C./ Philadelphia to see some U.S. history and just to take a little vacation to ourselves! We are really excited and I lovvve planning trips!

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend and we are going out with some friends and then a big ole bbq with our friends on Monday. (Plus lots of homework, studying, and writing in between.) It'll be a great weekend!

Spring Break

Well, finals went pretty well! I ended up with all A's except in one class.
Our friends Matt and April left so we had dinner (and breakfast) with them before they left! Luckily we will see them again in August/September :)

Thursday night we went to our friend's surprise birthday party in Porter Park. We had a great time with them the last night before we left for Oregon.

Here we are at Porter Park for the surprise!

That night we left for Blackfoot, Idaho to stay with Dan's grandparents for the night. His Grandma is an absolute sweetheart and had food for us at almost midnight and gathered some stuff up for us to take with us for the trip!

On Friday we left for the long trip at 5 a.m.! We made it to Oregon by about 4 p.m. but man was it a long drive. That night my dad took us out to eat at a wonderful place called Portofino where Dan had duck (and so did my dad), and I had a delicious homemade pasta with homemade sausage.

 

We finally made it into Oregon! Woohoo!

 

Saturday night Dan met my brother Patrick for the first time. They are both huge history nerds, and love card games, and games like Risk and Axis and Allies and so it actually went really well! My dad made chicken cordon bleu... he sure knows how to cook!

Easter Sunday we had Eggs Benedict at my dad's and then went down to Albany for church with Dan's brother and sister-in-law. They took us in for a couple of days at there house and we had so much fun! Their son, Luke, did an Easter Egg Hunt:

Here he is showing me all of the eggs he collected!
We went to a couple parks and Dan and his brother seemed to have fun playing around...

 Luke decided to take a little nap under the cart when we went to Costco:

 Luke and Mom at the park :)

We stopped by Dan's grandparents to say hello where they gave us some great sandwiches on homemade bread... mmm!

After that, we headed back to Lake Oswego to see my dad again. We went out to Olive Garden with him and my friend Brenna. The next day I spent some time with her again, and then that night we made dinner for my dad! It was so fun!

On Friday Daniel and I went to the Portland Temple. This was my first time in there and it was so memorable! I ended up getting really nauseous and close to passing out (from a lack of food.. I eat a lot:)) but it was so great and absolutely beautiful.
Here is the view from I-5:

 I got lucky and beat my dad at Scrabble with an 84 point word... lucky!

 The bridge out to my mom's house... so beautiful!

 Portland view from the freeway

 So green and tree-y

The street I live on... I forgot how beautiful Oregon is... especially on Sunny days in the spring!

Dan also took me shopping at the Woodburn Outlet mall where I got a new "little black dress" (that he picked out, including accessories!) and new running shoes and shirt with socks! I feel so spoiled and I LOVE the outfits :)

Overall it was an awesome trip to Oregon but now we are back in school and Rexburg has actually been pretty sunny and nice. I started a garden... well the seeds are planted in a starter thing and I bought some wood and soil to build a box garden (or whatever it is they call those things). We'll see how it turns out!

We can't wait to go back to Oregon in August, but for now Rexburg is treating us well and we are busy with classes.

Ta Ta For Now (Tigger anyone?) Random, okay, bye!