Preface:
I am taking a class on C.S. Lewis. Not only is he a fascinating person, but his thoughts and writings cause me to think much more about myself and my beliefs. My teacher for the class urges us to create insights to further our knowledge and to be honest with ourselves. One of the many mottoes for the class is: Be true to yourself and be true to the class. Another being: Words do not convey meaning; they call them forth (David Ward). Anyhow, these insights are designed to go through the following process: determine what you know (or believe); figure out what you used to know; determine the change that occurred to cause this change in belief; learn what you are still trying to understand, know, or believe.
So here is my most recent insight. I'm working on it to make it an official paper (or short story) by combining it with other insights. Hopefully it makes sense and gives an idea of what I believe and where I stand with it all.
“You
can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant [of] what the thing is.” –C.S.
Lewis
All
this time I have been wondering why it is that (I at least feel) I am incapable
of believing in Christ. It started with the idea that if I cannot see it, then
it cannot be real. But, as it was pointed out to me, I believe that I can
breathe, but I cannot see air. And so, that theory was shot. From there I moved
to a more sophisticated (in my thinking) idea that logically, Christ and God cannot exist. Virgin Mary was a virgin,
and therefore it is impossible for her to have a child, and if she did give
birth to Christ, she must have been lying and therefore it is all a hoax. God
cannot be real because He is not a real being and there is no such thing as
angels or spirits so obviously a floating, spiritual entity out in space
certainly could not exist. But, as I have come to learn, God was a person who
fulfilled His destiny to become what He is. He does have a body that is
perfected and He can live in a place out there, because certainly there are
other worlds and beings out there. If that is true, then God could have created
the Earth and all of the properties therein, and so He would be the only one
who could defy such laws and properties; hence, Christ could be born of Virgin
Mary.
I
can now move on from this idea that it is impossible, to it being not only
possible (however unlikely it may seem) but definite. Now, if Christ was born
and God does exist, (although, admittedly I still struggle with this concept)
do I believe in them? I do not mean believe in the sense that I can say, “I
believe in God and His Son.” I mean do I truly believe in them? In my heart, do I believe that God is real and
Christ, His Son, atoned for me? Then, the light switch is flipped up, and
Lewis’s words resonate in my mind: “You can’t believe a thing while you are
ignorant [of] what the thing is.” How can I possibly expect to believe in
something that I simply do not know? I do not have a relationship with Christ,
or God for that matter. I want to. But all this time I have neglected the most
important thing which is a relationship with them. In an odd way, I believe
that Satan has used the otherwise good things of the church to distract me from
gaining knowledge of Him who has saved me. I have been focused on serving
others and reading scriptures just to be doing the right thing, not to be
growing closer to Him! I may have been doing the right things, but not for the
right reasons. While that may have been a good starting block, I am now nearly
three years into my conversion and still lacking that all-important
relationship.
Once
I became aware of this imperative understanding, I was able to recognize the
steps necessary to make a change. I have started to learn about Christ, His
ministry and His teachings while making it personal. I am listening to the New
Testament on CD in the car, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, consistently saying
my personal prayers in the morning and family prayers at night, studying the
scriptures with purpose each day, and all the while sincerely trying to know
and understand Christ so that I might gain that relationship with I so
desperately yearn for so I can believe in Him. It seems rather silly now, to
think that I thought I could believe in Him without knowing who He was and what
He stood for. By studying His life I have come to learn that He is a person; a
child of God, in the same sense that I am as well as in the literal sense. Bear
in mind, this has not been an easy process. Similar to Lewis’s conversion, I
find myself still pushing Christ away because I do not want Him to interfere.
There are certain worldly pleasures I enjoy, and I know they need to change,
but I do not want to let them go yet. For what reason I cannot say. Perhaps
because I know that with more knowledge comes more responsibility. I have said
before that I know that I can never go away from the church because, despite
any doubts or unsurities that remain, I know that He is real and this is the
true church. I may not have all of the answers as to why, but I know that is
the truth and I am (hopefully) going to understand more as I become more
obedient. However, I know that with obedience to Him, comes greater light and
knowledge and more responsibility on me as a saint in this dispensation. Another
divot in the road to Him is the painful idea of repentance and the atonement.
While I am thankful for the opportunity, I know that as I learn more of Him I
will know more of the pain that He goes through because of me. Each mistake I
make add to the pain He endured. Not only am I responsible for the pain I cause
myself and my friends and family, but also for the pain He went through during
that awful and amazing time. Owning up to that is difficult and painful and
quite honestly I do not want to face it quite yet, regardless of the fact that
I know it is inevitable. So the statement remains true, that I cannot believe
in something that I remain ignorant of, but perhaps it is the ignorance that is
so comforting and hard to pull myself out of.
I
think the next step is going from believing in God and Christ to making that my
inherent nature. I do not only believe in air to breathe, I just breathe. Now,
I need to have God and Christ be my air.
