I am beyond overwhelmed with emotion due to the recent events in our country and world. I understand that there have been deaths, especially murders, throughout history and it really should not impact me this much to hear of killings. Or should it?
I feel sorry for the people in this life that do not feel emotion. Those who are so cold and immune to the highly contagious feeling that is love. I realize that some people are unfortunately without the ability to love and feel the way that I take advantage of everyday. But it pains me to know that there are people who have felt that love and have been hardened to it. I hope that for their sake, the people around them who love them and know them, and even those who don't, will reach out to them. "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." While the contributor of this quote may be ambiguous, the words are not.
Often times I notice myself avoiding people who frighten or intimidate me. No, not scary people, but those who put me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes those people are the closest ones to me, even in my family. It can be easy to isolate myself emotionally when I am isolated physically (Rexburg, Idaho... it may not be an island in the middle of the ocean, but it certainly is out here on its own). I know that I am capable of being an incredible friend, daughter, sister, and mom. Why is it so hard to consistently be one?
After the shooting in the Colorado theater, the Clackamas Mall, and now the shooting at the elementary school I feel as though I've had a change in heart. I've done some really stupid things in my life. I've hurt almost everyone that I most care about. I've lost friends and family (not necessarily by death but by fallings out) whom I care about dearly. I desperately want to become a better person. But I know that it is one thing to say it and an entirely other thing to do it.
Becoming a Latter-day Saint makes me feel like that better person. I know that in the relationships that I have gained since then I have been a better friend and person in this world. I fear, however, that I have lost track of those in the past. I hurt a LOT of them during that summer and as a consequence ruined several friendships. On the other hand, I have gained incredible knowledge for myself and for my family. I know that my family can be together forever. I know that each and every family can be together forever. To those families who have lost love ones, I know that you will see them again. I love each member of my crazy family and know that for me to go where I want in life and after this life I need to be forgiving. It may be selfish, but for me to be forgiven I need to forgive others. It is more healing to me than it is to them.
My life may not be going as I had imagined it ten years ago (Although back then, I was playing MASH to determine my fate ;)). The great thing about that, though, is that I am happier than I could ever have imagined. I have an incredible husband who loves and takes care of me. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I am surrounded by loving people and friends. I have a mom and dad who love me despite all of my mistakes. I have been taken in by my husband's family and loved and accepted.
I want to be the best person I can be. It hurts that it takes painful events like the ones that have happened this year to kick my butt into gear, but here I go.
I hope with all of my heart that my friends and family know that I have changed, but I still love them. I am still Amanda (AJ). I love soccer. I adore food. I still could watch Gilmore Girls a thousand times and not be sick of it. I have a different perspective on life, but I haven't forgotten about those I've hurt. I can't change those things but I can only hope to be a better person. I hope I can be forgiven for the things that I have done.
I pray that we might all work a little harder to help others around us a little more. One simple deed a day can make all the difference in someone's life.
Merry Christmas!
