You know, if school has taught me anything it has taught me to evaluate me thinking. I took this class on C.S. Lewis. That alone is awesome (for me). But even better, my teacher helped me learn how I think and why.

Think about it. Many kids, when they are younger, believe in nearly everything. Imaginations are endless and there is no end to the hopes and dreams. Then we are told that Santa does not exist. Traveling the world costs money. Becoming a fireman takes training.

Not only was I against religion, but I did not believe in God. I thought maybe there was something more but that was still the kid in me dreaming of what's beyond.

Now I believe in God, and a whole lot more. How did this change? Not only did my beliefs change but the way I think changed too. Why?

Sometimes I look back at old pictures or journals and I think how wide open the world was to me and how little I knew about everything. I felt like my parents, friends, and other family were so proud of me for having giant aspirations. I was proud of me. Now I am more proud than I could have imagined, but it's all so different than I had planned.

All I remember thinking is that I wanted to be single and have fun my first summer away from home, on my own, with my own job. I had great friends. I was spending money I didn't have and loving it (and later regretting it). I loved my life. And then I met this boy.

I remember flirting with him at work but it was nothing serious. We hung out once and I swore I was already in love. I texted my two BEST friends asking if they believed in love at first sight. I thought maybe I was getting confused with previous feelings or maybe just infatuation. But there was something about him. Something magical.

I remember talking to Mormon Missionaries and one asked me, "If you find out for yourself if this religion is true, will you get baptized?" I scoffingly reply, "Ha, sure, if it's true, why the heck not?"

I had to keep things separate; he could not interfere with my learning; I would not be swayed by him. So he stayed out of it. Unfortunately I read that dang book that they gave me. I read it over and over and over again. Once I even started reading out loud and I got so angry. I started talking so loudly to no one. I was so mad that I thought it was true. Mormons are crazy! There is so much to learn and I hated that I felt like God was listening. God. What is God? And how could he possibly be real.

I think people think, no, I know people think Mormons, Christians, whatever it may be, are brainwashed, because I used to think it. You grow up with a belief and being told something is true, then you believe it. That is, unless you ask questions. I created a storm for those missionaries. I asked hundreds of questions. I asked people who weren't Mormon. I asked others who were. I pulled at everything I could to prove it wrong. But what do you do when you feel like something is right? My parents always taught me to follow my heart and I did. But this time, for the first time, it wasn't easy.

I felt like my life turned upside down and I kept making things worse. I wasn't financially responsible. I got caught up in everything and out of fear of what others would think of my new-found belief, I ran away from it all. That was the worst thing I could do. I let everyone I cared about down.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and redo things, but I can't. Sometimes I wish I could go back to saying there is no God and that I do not believe any of this. But I do. I can't change it. I keep asking questions. And I keep getting answers. That doesn't mean I know everything and as a matter of fact I don't know a whole lot in the scheme of things. But I do know that if I don't keep asking questions of my faith, of science, and of myself then I can't be the best person I want to be.

I may not be able to change my past. But I am responsible for my future. I am responsible for today. I love my husband and he loves me. We love our beautiful daughter. We know that we want the best for her, but ultimately she needs to find it for herself. I know that sometimes we all want to re-live the "glory days" but when I really think of having the option, I wouldn't trade this life for the entire universe.

I am proud of who I am. I took an extremely bumpy road but I made mistakes that I hope I am learning from. I am trying to forgive everything I have felt hurt by because I know that I am in desperate need of forgiveness by others. My life is not what I had imagined four years ago. But I am so grateful for the people in my life now.

I am proud to have my family and friends stand for what they believe in. I have such a great diverse mix of things to make me who I am and I am proud of being a hippie, athletic, strong, smart woman. I don't mean to sound arrogant, merely proud of the woman, and person, that I am, even with the mistakes I have made.

A Little Thinking

Preface:
  I am taking a class on C.S. Lewis. Not only is he a fascinating person, but his thoughts and writings cause me to think much more about myself and my beliefs. My teacher for the class urges us to create insights to further our knowledge and to be honest with ourselves. One of the many mottoes for the class is: Be true to yourself and be true to the class. Another being: Words do not convey meaning; they call them forth (David Ward). Anyhow, these insights are designed to go through the following process: determine what you know (or believe); figure out what you used to know; determine the change that occurred to cause this change in belief; learn what you are still trying to understand, know, or believe.


So here is my most recent insight. I'm working on it to make it an official paper (or short story) by combining it with other insights. Hopefully it makes sense and gives an idea of what I believe and where I stand with it all.

“You can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant [of] what the thing is.” –C.S. Lewis

                All this time I have been wondering why it is that (I at least feel) I am incapable of believing in Christ. It started with the idea that if I cannot see it, then it cannot be real. But, as it was pointed out to me, I believe that I can breathe, but I cannot see air. And so, that theory was shot. From there I moved to a more sophisticated (in my thinking) idea that logically, Christ and God cannot exist. Virgin Mary was a virgin, and therefore it is impossible for her to have a child, and if she did give birth to Christ, she must have been lying and therefore it is all a hoax. God cannot be real because He is not a real being and there is no such thing as angels or spirits so obviously a floating, spiritual entity out in space certainly could not exist. But, as I have come to learn, God was a person who fulfilled His destiny to become what He is. He does have a body that is perfected and He can live in a place out there, because certainly there are other worlds and beings out there. If that is true, then God could have created the Earth and all of the properties therein, and so He would be the only one who could defy such laws and properties; hence, Christ could be born of Virgin Mary.

                I can now move on from this idea that it is impossible, to it being not only possible (however unlikely it may seem) but definite. Now, if Christ was born and God does exist, (although, admittedly I still struggle with this concept) do I believe in them? I do not mean believe in the sense that I can say, “I believe in God and His Son.” I mean do I truly believe in them? In my heart, do I believe that God is real and Christ, His Son, atoned for me? Then, the light switch is flipped up, and Lewis’s words resonate in my mind: “You can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant [of] what the thing is.” How can I possibly expect to believe in something that I simply do not know? I do not have a relationship with Christ, or God for that matter. I want to. But all this time I have neglected the most important thing which is a relationship with them. In an odd way, I believe that Satan has used the otherwise good things of the church to distract me from gaining knowledge of Him who has saved me. I have been focused on serving others and reading scriptures just to be doing the right thing, not to be growing closer to Him! I may have been doing the right things, but not for the right reasons. While that may have been a good starting block, I am now nearly three years into my conversion and still lacking that all-important relationship.

                Once I became aware of this imperative understanding, I was able to recognize the steps necessary to make a change. I have started to learn about Christ, His ministry and His teachings while making it personal. I am listening to the New Testament on CD in the car, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, consistently saying my personal prayers in the morning and family prayers at night, studying the scriptures with purpose each day, and all the while sincerely trying to know and understand Christ so that I might gain that relationship with I so desperately yearn for so I can believe in Him. It seems rather silly now, to think that I thought I could believe in Him without knowing who He was and what He stood for. By studying His life I have come to learn that He is a person; a child of God, in the same sense that I am as well as in the literal sense. Bear in mind, this has not been an easy process. Similar to Lewis’s conversion, I find myself still pushing Christ away because I do not want Him to interfere. There are certain worldly pleasures I enjoy, and I know they need to change, but I do not want to let them go yet. For what reason I cannot say. Perhaps because I know that with more knowledge comes more responsibility. I have said before that I know that I can never go away from the church because, despite any doubts or unsurities that remain, I know that He is real and this is the true church. I may not have all of the answers as to why, but I know that is the truth and I am (hopefully) going to understand more as I become more obedient. However, I know that with obedience to Him, comes greater light and knowledge and more responsibility on me as a saint in this dispensation. Another divot in the road to Him is the painful idea of repentance and the atonement. While I am thankful for the opportunity, I know that as I learn more of Him I will know more of the pain that He goes through because of me. Each mistake I make add to the pain He endured. Not only am I responsible for the pain I cause myself and my friends and family, but also for the pain He went through during that awful and amazing time. Owning up to that is difficult and painful and quite honestly I do not want to face it quite yet, regardless of the fact that I know it is inevitable. So the statement remains true, that I cannot believe in something that I remain ignorant of, but perhaps it is the ignorance that is so comforting and hard to pull myself out of.

                I think the next step is going from believing in God and Christ to making that my inherent nature. I do not only believe in air to breathe, I just breathe. Now, I need to have God and Christ be my air.