You know, if school has taught me anything it has taught me to evaluate me thinking. I took this class on C.S. Lewis. That alone is awesome (for me). But even better, my teacher helped me learn how I think and why.

Think about it. Many kids, when they are younger, believe in nearly everything. Imaginations are endless and there is no end to the hopes and dreams. Then we are told that Santa does not exist. Traveling the world costs money. Becoming a fireman takes training.

Not only was I against religion, but I did not believe in God. I thought maybe there was something more but that was still the kid in me dreaming of what's beyond.

Now I believe in God, and a whole lot more. How did this change? Not only did my beliefs change but the way I think changed too. Why?

Sometimes I look back at old pictures or journals and I think how wide open the world was to me and how little I knew about everything. I felt like my parents, friends, and other family were so proud of me for having giant aspirations. I was proud of me. Now I am more proud than I could have imagined, but it's all so different than I had planned.

All I remember thinking is that I wanted to be single and have fun my first summer away from home, on my own, with my own job. I had great friends. I was spending money I didn't have and loving it (and later regretting it). I loved my life. And then I met this boy.

I remember flirting with him at work but it was nothing serious. We hung out once and I swore I was already in love. I texted my two BEST friends asking if they believed in love at first sight. I thought maybe I was getting confused with previous feelings or maybe just infatuation. But there was something about him. Something magical.

I remember talking to Mormon Missionaries and one asked me, "If you find out for yourself if this religion is true, will you get baptized?" I scoffingly reply, "Ha, sure, if it's true, why the heck not?"

I had to keep things separate; he could not interfere with my learning; I would not be swayed by him. So he stayed out of it. Unfortunately I read that dang book that they gave me. I read it over and over and over again. Once I even started reading out loud and I got so angry. I started talking so loudly to no one. I was so mad that I thought it was true. Mormons are crazy! There is so much to learn and I hated that I felt like God was listening. God. What is God? And how could he possibly be real.

I think people think, no, I know people think Mormons, Christians, whatever it may be, are brainwashed, because I used to think it. You grow up with a belief and being told something is true, then you believe it. That is, unless you ask questions. I created a storm for those missionaries. I asked hundreds of questions. I asked people who weren't Mormon. I asked others who were. I pulled at everything I could to prove it wrong. But what do you do when you feel like something is right? My parents always taught me to follow my heart and I did. But this time, for the first time, it wasn't easy.

I felt like my life turned upside down and I kept making things worse. I wasn't financially responsible. I got caught up in everything and out of fear of what others would think of my new-found belief, I ran away from it all. That was the worst thing I could do. I let everyone I cared about down.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and redo things, but I can't. Sometimes I wish I could go back to saying there is no God and that I do not believe any of this. But I do. I can't change it. I keep asking questions. And I keep getting answers. That doesn't mean I know everything and as a matter of fact I don't know a whole lot in the scheme of things. But I do know that if I don't keep asking questions of my faith, of science, and of myself then I can't be the best person I want to be.

I may not be able to change my past. But I am responsible for my future. I am responsible for today. I love my husband and he loves me. We love our beautiful daughter. We know that we want the best for her, but ultimately she needs to find it for herself. I know that sometimes we all want to re-live the "glory days" but when I really think of having the option, I wouldn't trade this life for the entire universe.

I am proud of who I am. I took an extremely bumpy road but I made mistakes that I hope I am learning from. I am trying to forgive everything I have felt hurt by because I know that I am in desperate need of forgiveness by others. My life is not what I had imagined four years ago. But I am so grateful for the people in my life now.

I am proud to have my family and friends stand for what they believe in. I have such a great diverse mix of things to make me who I am and I am proud of being a hippie, athletic, strong, smart woman. I don't mean to sound arrogant, merely proud of the woman, and person, that I am, even with the mistakes I have made.